Navigating the Pain of an Extramarital Affair and Uncertain Future
Dear Affair Of Heart,
I am reaching out to share my story, one that revolves around the pain of an extramarital affair and the uncertainty it has brought into my life.
Our love story began on campus, leading to marriage and the blessing of children after graduation. Almost 20 years have passed since then, and our children are now in high school. However, my journey took a tumultuous turn when I discovered my partner's infidelity in August 2019. It was later confirmed that the woman he was involved with outside of our marriage was 20 years younger than him. We had an honest conversation at that time, during which he expressed his unwillingness to give up our home and promised to work on improving our relationship. He vowed to restrain his feelings for her and reduce contact, but he could not completely sever ties with her as he felt responsible for her. He wanted to treat her as a junior and asked for my understanding. I agreed, not delving into the extent of their relationship. I believed that if we had a strong bond, nothing would happen between them. I focused on finding ways to improve our relationship.
According to him, he sought solace in this affair because he believed I didn't understand him. Firstly, he felt unfulfilled in his filial duties due to my decision not to live with his parents. Secondly, he cited my short temper and tendency to get upset over trivial matters as a source of conflict. I promised to work on these issues, hoping to bridge the gap between us. Unfortunately, even after we welcomed his parents into our home and got along well, our relationship grew increasingly strained. He became less interested in coming home and answering my calls. Before the winter vacation, he stopped coming home altogether, neglecting our children. He openly expressed his disinterest in talking to or seeing me. From that point on, he never initiated any conversations with me. At the time, I didn't suspect the involvement of another woman.
After the Chinese New Year, he initiated divorce proceedings. I was completely caught off guard and rejected the idea. Subsequently, he subjected me to various forms of emotional abuse. It seemed as though he couldn't hear anything I said. Whenever I approached him, he would walk away. If I made him tea, he would pour it down the drain. If I touched his belongings, he would become angry and throw things. He demanded that I not interfere with anything at home, treating me as if I were invisible.
I always believed that our life together was happy. However, he claimed that he was unhappy and that I didn't understand him. He insisted that he no longer loved me, had no feelings for me, and wanted to end our marriage. He desired a life of freedom and happiness, free from the constraints of our relationship. Despite my efforts to improve our bond, he rejected any notion of reconciliation or growth.
Although he stopped mentioning divorce for some time, our relationship remained stagnant. I tried to communicate with him on numerous occasions, but his response was always the same - he didn't love me, never had, and no longer wanted to live with me. He sought personal happiness and freedom. If divorce wasn't an option, he requested that I refrain from bothering him or asking about his life. He no longer wanted to work on our relationship.
Our interactions have improved slightly since then, as long as I don't impose emotional demands on him. We can discuss family matters, eat together, and engage in normal conversations. However, this is not the marriage I desire. Intimacy between two individuals in a marriage is essential, yet he repels any physical contact. If I attempt to hold his hand, he withdraws it immediately. If I ask for a hug before he leaves, he becomes impatient. Our physical relationship has ceased for at least six months due to his aversion. Even though we share the same bed, we each have our own separate quilt. He sleeps as far away from me as possible, showing no interest in any form of intimacy. We have truly become strangers sharing a bed.
His lack of response to my emotional efforts has been torturous. Sometimes I provoke him, but he completely ignores my actions and feelings. Whether I cry, cause trouble, or leave home, he remains indifferent. He disregards any influence he may have on me, showing no concern for my well-being. If I leave, he welcomes it. If I call him while he's out, he hangs up immediately. He ignores my WeChat messages or hangs up during video calls (probably because he is busy video chatting with her). In short, he completely dismisses me, regardless of my actions.
Similarly, he doesn't care about my needs or preferences. He has stated that he doesn't mind if I find someone else. The only aspect he currently focuses on is their daily phone calls and video chats, lasting for hours on end. He pays no attention to my feelings.
I am at a loss as to what to do. On one hand, I can't let go of him. Perhaps it's because I've grown accustomed to our life together, or maybe I fear the loneliness that awaits me. Maybe I struggle with leading an independent life. I also worry about my child's future, and I still love him. I believe that he is currently going through a period of confusion and that he will eventually return to me.
Consequently, I constantly initiate conversations and actively seek ways to improve our relationship. However, he rejects my efforts in various ways. On the other hand, his current behavior deeply affects me. He is indifferent to my feelings and disregards my emotions. Every time he engages in video chats or phone calls with her, I feel irritated and have the urge to confront him. Yet, I manage to restrain myself.
I am uncertain about the path forward. I find it difficult to let go of him, perhaps due to nostalgia for the warmth he once provided or a fear of loneliness in the future. I am torn between wanting him to return and desiring a divorce.
I eagerly await your advice and guidance as I navigate this painful journey and seek clarity for my future.
Warm regards