Navigating Complex Relationships: From Marriage to Affair
Dear Affair Of Heart,
I hope this message finds you well. I have been following your articles for some time now, finding solace and comfort in your words. However, I find myself struggling to navigate my own life, feeling lost and uncertain. It's as if I understand all the principles, yet I still can't seem to live my life well.
Let me tell you my story. I live in a third-tier city, and my parents have decent jobs. I am an only daughter with a somewhat irritable and willful temper. Physically, I am tall and thin, and my looks are okay. My ex-husband comes from a very ordinary family. He has a master's degree and works for a company in the Fortune Global 500. While he has a good temper, his emotional intelligence is a bit low.
My parents were fond of him, believing that his good job and high level of education made him a suitable match for marriage. Although we had a brief college relationship that went nowhere, I didn't find a suitable job after graduation in 2009. My parents hoped I would find a partner who excelled in all aspects. Growing up, my father's chauvinistic and serious nature greatly influenced me. Our family lacked warmth, often being cold and violent, although my mother was relatively tolerant.
Eager to escape my family, I married my ex-husband less than a year after meeting him. He treated me well, but his family couldn't offer much support. We settled in a first-tier city, but without a house and being young and inexperienced, we faced challenges. Shortly after, I became pregnant and continued working with a full belly, cooking after work. I longed for a house, a place to call our own. Thankfully, my parents helped us settle and purchase a house in the first-tier city.
However, after giving birth, my body changed significantly, and I lost interest in sex with my ex-husband. He had little desire himself, and over time, he lost interest as well. Due to work, I was transferred to a provincial capital city. After much discussion, we decided to leave the first-tier city for the sake of our child's education. My parents bought us a house in a school district in the provincial capital.
Now, my child and I reside in the provincial capital, while my ex-husband remains in Beijing. Even when we meet, there is no interest between us. We have tried various methods, including medication and Chinese medicine, but his erectile dysfunction persists. I thought this might be the dull reality of life, lacking passion, until I met someone who changed everything. Let's call him L.
L is older and more experienced, fitting my preference for mature men. He is 15 years older than me and successful in business. Although he has had many women, I feel ashamed and unable to resist the temptation of money and sex. We became involved, with me becoming his mistress. I felt deep shame.
I fell in love with L, and he fulfilled all the fantasies I had about a man. However, I knew I was not his first or last. Our time together was a mix of sweetness, pain, moral pressure, and self-blame. One day, L suggested that I get a divorce, telling me that I deserved a better life. A family storm awaited me, but I won't delve into the details. My ex-husband and I divorced, and I obtained custody of our child.
Unexpectedly, I became pregnant with L's child in 2015. Although my parents strongly opposed it, I chose to give birth. L had always desired a son. He changed the lives of everyone involved. My son is now 8 years old, but L hasn't divorced his wife to marry me.
The past three years with L have been tumultuous. We quarreled, exchanged hurtful words, and he even admitted that he only stayed with me for the sake of having a son. He experienced bouts of moderate depression and contemplated suicide. However, looking at my children and my parents, I couldn't ruin everything for them. Slowly, I began reconciling with myself, trying not to dwell on unhappy thoughts. I turned to fitness, beauty, shopping, and taking care of my children to distract myself. I also made an effort to understand L.
L is currently going through a divorce, which involves property and company equity division. Although he didn't start from scratch, his ex-wife worked hard without receiving any credit. In these years, I haven't worried about money. L has provided various financial management and insurance plans for my son and me, ensuring our well-being.
Over the past two years, our relationship has improved. L maintains regular phone and video calls, visits us for a few days each week, and spends time with us during holidays. However, my sixth sense tells me that he occasionally flirts with other women due to his habitual nature. He also has to balance his family, often leaving us feeling insignificant. I realized that the loss of interest, frustration, and grievances are normal.
Gradually, I find that I no longer love him. Disappointment, quarrels, and grievances have eroded any remaining feelings. My story serves as a lesson. If a marriage can be maintained, it's advisable to avoid divorce as it can be harmful to children. Over the years, I've lost expectations for relationships. I focus on doing what needs to be done and reconciling with myself. Men are driven by their desires, so women should be less distracted and love themselves!
I would appreciate your insight. Leaving L is nearly impossible, so how should I navigate our relationship? I also contemplate leaving and finding a new relationship, but the real world is filled with deceitful individuals who only seek money and sex. I'm unsure of how to choose.
Thank you for your time, and I eagerly await your guidance.
Warm regards