Navigating a Complicated Relationship: Struggling with Emotional Turmoil
Dear Affair Of Heart,
I hope this message finds you well. For over a year, I have been experiencing great pain and internal turmoil. In recent months, I have felt a heavy sense of powerlessness. Finally, I have decided to reach out to you in hopes of receiving some valuable advice.
My marriage is satisfactory, but I am already 40 years old. My husband and I were classmates, and he was also my first love during our student days. We were classmates and knew each other, but he is unaware of our past relationship.
We broke up in the past due to his cold demeanor. I endured the pain of our separation for a year before eventually entering into a relationship with another boy who pursued me. My first love was deeply upset by my departure, claiming that I didn't bid him farewell. In reality, I did say goodbye. We would occasionally meet a few times a year since we were in the same school and grade. However, he only showed interest when he was pursuing me. After that, he became indifferent, unresponsive, and even cold and aggressive.
During my second relationship, my first love said hurtful things about me, and his attitude towards me became extreme. I experienced immense pain, and after the relationship ended, I never fell in love again.
Years later, I started working and coincidentally crossed paths with my first love again. He expressed a desire to start over, claiming that he was too young and didn't know how to cherish me. We struggled for a few months, and I reluctantly gave him a chance. However, it turned out to be a joke. After we became intimate, he distanced himself from me. I asked everyone not to mention our past, as he intended to marry someone from a wealthy family, and his own family would not approve of a relationship with someone from outside their town. When we occasionally met, I would inquire about what he had been busy with, and he would casually mention clubbing, picking up girls, having one-night stands, and going on blind dates. I bitterly smiled at my own foolishness but had no choice but to let it go.
I eventually got married, had children, and lived a simple life. However, my first love continued to engage in playboy behavior and went on blind dates while still playing around. Eventually, he got married to a local woman after she became pregnant. Even after marriage, he continued his promiscuous ways, engaging in extramarital affairs and picking up girls. During that time, he frequently quarreled with his wife.
Later on, I blocked him due to some trivial matters, and he remained blocked for seven years. However, due to our children and classmates often encountering each other, I decided to add him back into my life.
Initially, we exchanged simple greetings, but gradually, he began discussing various aspects of life, career, and marriage. It was during this time that I realized his selfishness and greed for money. He gave up on me in the past because of my financial status. He even mentioned that if he had known me when I had money, we wouldn't have broken up. These words were uncomfortable and somewhat amusing. He expressed a desire to meet and apologize properly. I struggled for a month but eventually agreed to meet, even bringing gifts.
He began asking me out frequently. I didn't want him to think that he could win me over with a few meals, nor did I want him to believe that I was interested in him for financial gain. Thus, I insisted on paying the bills myself. Surprisingly, this only increased his interest. He felt that a girl who showed interest in him and even took the initiative to pay was rare. I thought this would embarrass him and make him give up, but instead, it encouraged him to persistently pursue me, while I continued to avoid his advances. I hoped that we could remain friends, but he only desired a romantic relationship. He deliberately provoked me, deleting and adding me back multiple times.
When we met, he would kiss and hug me. I didn't resist, as I still had feelings for him deep down. He used to be someone I loved dearly. However, I made it clear that our relationship was not a matter of personal preference. We were both married, and our status didn't allow for such behavior. I didn't want to hurt our families or disrespect our past relationships.
Unfortunately, he didn't listen to reason. During the first year, we would meet two or three times a month, and our encounters were intimate. However, we often quarreled when we were apart. He was greedy for money and lustful, and I repeatedly criticized him for being morally bankrupt. This period led to the deletion and blocking of each other on multiple occasions.
In the past year, I have been procrastinating. We get along well when we meet, but we frequently argue when we are apart. During these arguments, I say hurtful things. Sometimes he gets angry and quarrels with me, but most of the time he lets it go. He often tells me that he hopes I can find someone who doesn't focus on money and can move on. I agree that it would be best to end things.
Sometimes I deliberately ignore him because I feel that his value is very low. I don't ask for money or gifts. For his birthday, I bought him a gift worth more than a thousand, something he liked. I simply said "happy birthday." Money isn't my concern, but I feel that this kind of relationship is not worthwhile.
We haven't had sexual relations for almost two years now. The main reason is that I am unwilling and unable to cross that psychological barrier. I also feel that there is no reason to do so. However, I know that he is not good in bed, so our relationship is based on emotional, sexual, and financial values, all of which are very low. Despite this, I still want to consider him my best friend.
I have told him that he can come to me whenever he needs anything, but I don't want to be his lover. I will always support him from behind, but he still refuses. He claims that he can't continue without sex. I have made it clear that I don't want to continue, but he insists. The end result will undoubtedly be harmful.
Years ago, he mentioned me in front of his friends, and although he didn't say anything negative, I was very angry, leading to an argument. He told me to disappear, and I agreed. After that, he didn't see me for half a month, which happened to be during the Chinese New Year. There were no greetings for Valentine's Day or any other occasion. I believe that ending things this way is for the best.
After my child started school, he came to see me again, but I was already very discouraged. It made me reflect on many things. I realized that I am not someone who can be there whenever he wants and disappears when he doesn't. I never asked him for money or anything else, so why should he treat me like this? After meeting a few more times, I decided to say a proper goodbye.
I brought gifts and said that we should end things as we started. I took full responsibility and stated that I no longer wanted this kind of relationship. It caused me pain, and I cried that night. I expressed my hopes for his future and advised him to find someone who is stress-free. Unlike me, I don't want to continue this relationship for another two years. I also understand that I cannot keep delaying. If one person desires to continue while the other refuses, both parties will become exhausted. However, I have no obligation to serve him.
The next day, he couldn't help but contact me, continuing the conversation and meeting with me. He still hugged and kissed me. We were sometimes very close, but we never had sex. However, after I returned home, I felt uncomfortable and began speaking cruelly. I scolded him repeatedly, even mentioning that he would face consequences for playing with people's feelings. I asked him to consider how he would feel if his wife were being pursued. He became unhappy, disgusted, and even a little panicked.
Finally, I stated that we should say goodbye properly and avoid future contact. If two people cannot bid farewell properly, then they must break up and sever ties. He wasn't happy either. I don't know if it will truly end this time. He doesn't know what to do next because repeated arguments have left him tired. Slowly, he is accepting the idea of ending things.
I am well aware of the reasons why he doesn't want to end it. He has always been carefree, and due to his stinginess and reluctance to spend money, he now finds it difficult to engage in the same behaviors as before due to his age and declining health. He claims that he no longer has the energy to pursue casual relationships. Although he has never been good in bed, he enjoys being with me. I bring him physical and emotional happiness without any financial burden. I also provide him with life advice, making him satisfied and confident.
However, I still feel that this kind of relationship is not what I want. But because I tend to procrastinate and consume at the same time, I find it difficult to let go.
Finally, I would appreciate your suggestions. Wishing you a happy life!
Warm regards